


It Goes Something Like This...

by Nina36



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: AU, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 12:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nina36/pseuds/Nina36
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they first read together, Matt thought Karen was beautiful, talented - although a bit wet behind the ears - and possibly crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Goes Something Like This...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a WIP

It goes something like this…

When they first read together, Matt thought Karen was beautiful, talented - although a bit wet behind the ears - and possibly crazy.   
When they first read together, Karen thought Matt was impossibly tall, had a weird face…that was until he started talking, read and become the Doctor, even with glasses on, rings on his fingers and the weirdest sweater she had ever seen. What she didn’t suspect was how sexy he became while acting.   
**  
It was around the eight hour on their first day of shooting that the niggling thought, one not entirely formed, shapeless in the back of Matt’s mind came up, in all its glory and almost made him trip   
You. are. screwed. mate.   
And it was not because he was playing Dr. Who - well, maybe that too - but in a moment of clarity, he realized he hadn’t stopped looking at Karen for hours. He was just drawn toward her, it wasn’t just because of her looks, there was just something about her…   
And he was so very, very screwed. Because he knew himself. And Karen? She was indeed crazy, but in a beautiful way.   
~  
Karen realized something was wrong upon the end of the shooting of their first episode together. It figured it would be her mom to enlighten her.   
“And how is Matt?” She had asked. Innocent enough question, right? As if…   
“He is fine, mom.” She had replied.   
Her mom had chuckled and right then Karen knew how royally screwed she was.   
***   
You will not have a crush on your co-star.   
It became Matt’s mantra. He was a professional, he knew how those things usually worked - they didn’t -, there was too much at stake, they were both in other relationships.   
Truth was? He sucked at being rational sometimes.   
“I’ve sort of fallen in love with Amy Pond. She’s sort of as bonkers as the Doctor in many ways. She’s a red-head, feisty seductress, ball of wit. I think Karen brings so much of herself to the role as Amy”   
Being subtle, apparently, wasn’t one of his biggest traits either.  
He really, really should learn to keep his mouth shut.   
***  
You will not have a crush on your costar.   
Karen didn’t want to be a living cliché, Karen didn’t want to make a mess. She wasn’t naive, she had heard stories about relationships between actors, she knew how things worked out …they didn’t.   
Matt was a co-worker, he was his co-star, he was an amazing actor, he was becoming a good friend. Besides he had a girlfriend…and she had a boyfriend. So it wasn’t going to happen. Amy had just to get out of her head and she just had to keep reminding herself that she would not have a crush on her costar.  
And then she kissed him, as Amy…and Matt, as the Doctor, for a moment, kissed her back. And she realized how much she sucked at being rational in one single, crystal clear moment. Matt knew how to kiss…and she wanted more.   
***  
The first time Karen kissed him, for real, they were both drunk: not enough to be able to chalk it up to alcohol, but enough to feel bold and try. Karen’s couch was large and the beers and wine they had consumed as they read their script had made them sprawl on said couch, their bodies leaning closer and closer until they had ended up reading from just one script.   
It felt so *normal*, so them, that Matt didn't really think anything of it, until much later.  
One does not share the same breathing space and insists on not crushing on their costar.  
One does not, under any circumstance, get semi drunk, with said costar, especially if she smells so good.  
One does not, unless is a glutton for punishment, enjoy every second of it while still being resolute in not crushing on his costar.  
It happened in a moment, one moment they were reading from the script - and it was hilarious being in character, as they were wrapped up in a semi hug, on the couch, buzzed with beer and some fine wine - and then Karen looked up...it was a little eternity, one in which he could hear himself breathing, he could feel Karen's hand on his chest, just above his heart, he could see how big and bright her eyes were and then her lips covered his.   
It felt like deja vu...except he wasn't as selfless or noble as the doctor, he didn't pull back from her, he didn't break the kiss, he didn't even think about any logical reason as to why he should.   
Their first kiss tasted of fine wine and smiles. He ran his hands through Karen's hair, marveling at how perfectly their bodies fit together, at how Karen's smell had already become familiar, cherished.  
He was so very very screwed  
~  
She couldn't blame the wine...or the beer. Yes, they had been drinking.   
Yes, rehearsing their lines all snuggled up on her couch wasn't the brightest idea they could ever had.   
But when she kissed Matt Smith for the first time she knew what she was doing...she knew what his voice, his eyes and the casual way he kept drawing imaginary patterns on her shoulders as they kept saying their lines was doing to her.   
He had driven her to distraction.   
She didn't want to be a cliché, she didn't want to mess things up, but she was not a saint.   
She didn't stop and think about all the reasons why that was a bad idea, one that could potentially screw their working relationship up. She just moved, just an inch closer to Matt, the silence in the room so thick and warm, Matt's hands still on her shoulders, her hand on his chest, and she brushed his lips with her. She hadn't been unsure, but it had been just...too much: Matt's heartbeat drumming under her palm, his taste, his hands trailing up, tracing patterns on the exposed skin of her shoulders and then his fingers slid up, on the nape of her neck, as the kiss deepened, and they opened up for each other, tasting wine and smiles they couldn't hide, not even then.   
That would change everything, she thought hours later, while her lips still tingled with Matt's taste, with the way he had nibbled and teased her lower lip, she hid her face in her shirt, letting out a soft sigh as she realized Matt's smell still lingered and couldn't help a smile.   
That would change everything...or maybe not.  
***  
They decided to take things slowly and be private about the new development on their relationship  
They got outed on set within two weeks. It figured!  
~  
It was Matt's fault, really. To be fair to her boyfriend - kind of...details were still hazy - someone had already figured things out; their camera guy, for example, had kept giving them knowing glances for days, even before they were busted behind a closed door, because Matt ...adorable, hyper, idiot Matt, had dragged her and she hadn't been able to resist, not when he used his secret weapon.  
"Kaz..." He had whispered, his voice low and so dangerously sexy that she hadn't thought twice about following him.   
What was worst about being outed on set by crewmembers? Everyone knew. Their camera guy had just shrugged and said, "I do watch you for a living, mates"  
There had been some snickers, someone had whistled and Matt, once she had stopped blushing and cursing and nudging him, because he hadn't stopped teasing her for a moment about it, had her in stitches when he told her about Arthur's reaction.   
Apparently, Arthur had just tilted his head up, looked wistfully at the sky and had sighed a heartfelt, "Thank you, God! About bloody time!"  
For some reason Matt found it incredibly funny when, a few days later, Arthur came on set showing off a new watch. A very pricey watch.  
When she asked Matt what was so funny about it, Matt just replied, "I think I know who collected the betting pool"  
"A pool? There were bets?" She asked. She had blinked her eyes, turning her head to look at him, while the crew around them adjusted the next shot and had almost squeaked, “about us?”  
Matt had brushed her chin with a finger and had whispered, "Trust me, you don't want me to answer that"  
~  
Their first real date ended up with them soaking wet thanks to a flat tire, making out like teenagers inside a tiny car and both getting a cold.   
It was perfect…  
And Matt? He definitely was a superb kisser. Even with a cold.   
~  
After the got outed on set - and Karen’s embarrassment was adorable, he might have fallen a little in love with her in that moment - they decided to be more discreet, especially after their first date and how they spent it in the middle of a dark road, soaking wet with rain because of a flat tire.   
Because of course their first date would take a page out of the Law of Murphy.   
One good thing about being discreet? About keeping their relationship under wraps? It was the thrill…the teasing that went on whenever they were out in public.   
The other thing? Being in a relationship with Karen, of course! Seeing her, first thing in the morning, her hair ruffled her cheeks rosy with sleep her body craving caffeine like air and her bright smile to him.   
There was also the moment where they closed the door behind the facade and Karen got back at him for his teasing. But that was another story….

***  
~  
Apparently they were not so subtle and discreet as they thought they were.   
~  
Whoever had ever worked in the business would always tell how vital, how important chemistry was: it was one of the requisites of the success of a movie or a show.  
People started to notice how much chemistry Karen and he had.  
Granted, Kaz sometimes teased him by saying he had chemistry with lamp posts and Matt had no idea whether to be flattered or offended by her statement.  
The thing was that the chemistry with Kaz was effortless, had always been effortless and, apparently, according to some people, there was some sort of neon sign above their heads that gave away their relationship.  
Upon seeing some pictures from the premiere of WHO, a colleague - whose name began with A and ended with rthur - commented off handedly, “You really aren’t trying here…”  
Fans and teasing from colleagues they could take, the problems, the real problems started when the show began to air…and other people watched it.  
Their agents, for example.  
Or even worse: their parents.   
~  
Maybe they had been a tad obvious in public…they had gotten so used to being around each other, so comfortable in that sort of bubble they had built for themselves that somehow they hadn’t really been careful.   
It didn’t help that Matt adored to tease her: whether on camera, during photoshoots or while she was on the phone with her friends.  
He loved to make up to her: breakfast in bed, neck rubs at the end of long days, hilarious texts when they didn’t spend the night together, that had her giggling with her mouth against her hand and the sudden question of “why on Earth he isn’t with me right now?”  
If she had to be honest, though, she didn’t imagine they could be so obvious…and she couldn’t even blame Matt and his teasing…or the fact that her boyfriend could ignite chemistry with everything that moved - and even some things that didn’t - she had watched herself, on the show, she had looked at the pictures…  
She had talked to her agent.   
And mostly, she had gotten a phone call from her mother, “Is there something you want to tell me, Karen?”  
I might be head over heels in love with my costar, but we have decided not to tell anyone because it’s our business, we don’t want to be a living cliché and Moff would have a fit …  
It was on the tip of her tongue, it really was…but she couldn’t, her mind was stuck in a loop on the first part.  
She was…  
Oh, bloody hell, she really was head over heels in love!  
~

If asked they’d tell they were not jealous, not of other actors, not of random fans, not of other people.  
They’d lie.   
~  
Matt was acting weird. He had started throwing her furtive glances while they were watching the show…  
Yes, they could be lame, sit on their couch and watch their show and their commentary of it could never, ever be heard by anyone who didn’t work on the show and breathed it 24/7.   
Matt was fidgeting now, drumming his fingers on his thigh, absent mindedly playing with a lock of her hair and blinking from time to time.   
“What?” She asked during a commercial.   
Matt turned toward her, a vaguely guilty expression in his eyes - and part of her was surprised that she could read him so well…but then again it was Matt: costar, boyfriend and madman all rolled into one, of course she would know each and every expression of his face- and said, “Huh? What?”  
“You’re making a face” She said and poked Matt when he snorted before saying “As opposed as my usual blank, expressionless stare?”  
“You know what I mean!” She replied, and she couldn’t hide a smile…and she ignored the fleeting realization that she hadn’t stopped smiling for months now, it was getting almost embarrassing.   
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Matt said.  
“ah! There is something then!” Karen said.   
It was one of the very first things they had agreed on, while making small talk on set, one of the glaring signs of people who had something to hide, “I don’t know what you’re talking about”  
“It’s an admission by default” Matt had said.   
Matt groaned and hid his face for a moment in her hair mumbling, “Nothing…can we just watch the commercials?”  
“Nope” Karen replied, her hand went to Matt’s neck, to tickle his nape and lightly scratch the side of his neck.  
“You’re not playing very fair, Kaz…” Matt sighed, but when Karen looked at him, his eyes were twinkling with mirth…and that other thing she had seen in the first place.  
“All is fair in ….” She trailed, feeling incredibly awkward for a moment, like a girl on her first crush…or a woman so in love that she was afraid to screw it up by using that four letter word.   
Matt cocked an eyebrow at her and she did the same, she crossed her arms over her chest and said, “So…?”  
“I didn’t remember that scene to be so intense” Matt said after a second of silence.   
Karen’s eyebrow shot high, very high…if she didn’t know better, she’d say there was a distinct not of jealousy in Matt’s voice.  
Wait…she did know Matt! And he was studiously avoiding her gaze now.   
“Wow…” She said after a moment, trying not to smile, “I should really consider giving that acting thing a shot…”  
“Kaz…” Matt started, and he was actually blushing now.  
“I mean, if my boyfriend who was on set that day, sitting on my chair, playing with my ipod thought the scene was intense, this must mean something, right?” Karen said and she was trying very hard to sound stern, especially when seeing how flustered Matt was becoming.   
Karen took Matt’s hand and twined fingers with him, giving a soft squeeze and turned her attention toward the telly  
“I was stupid…” Matt said after a few minutes of silence.  
Karen grinned, “Yes, yes you were” she stole a quick kiss and then whispered against his lips, “but you are cute when you are jealous…”  
“I’m not…”  
“Oh, shut your face!”  
~  
Karma, Karen…  
It wasn’t that cute when she was the one being jealous.   
~  
Being jealous of other actors was just plain stupid. That’s what Karen had been telling herself for hours, how she had been trying to be rational about seeing her boyfriend flirt with another woman.   
She knew it was all pretend, she knew it…but it wasn’t her fault Matt had so much chemistry with pretty much anyone!   
Just this morning he brought you coffee in bed, he made you find the bathroom all warm and set the alarm so that you could sleep more and still be on time.   
Do you remember you came to set wearing his jumper because all your shirts are in his drier right now?  
He has texted you between takes while he was on soundstage and you were in your trailer…  
He left a post it with a heart on your fridge just yesterday…  
Get. Over. This!  
She definitely sucked at being rational, she thought as she suppressed another fit of annoyance at poor Alex, who was acting her heart out, as usual, with Matt.  
She was sitting on Matt’s chair, it was something they did, they had for a long time, without even noticing at the beginning. Someone might say that she was being territorial, especially when she had side eyed the PA who had come to take Matt’s coat…a coat she was now holding on her legs, ignoring the glances of some members of the crew…and how Arthur had rolled his eyes when he had sat next to her.   
Someone might say she was territorial …and might be right, not that she would ever admit it to anyone, because being jealous of a fellow actor was just stupid.   
“And…cut!” The director said, and Karen smiled her brighter smile when Matt took his seat next to her and threw her a puzzled glance as he skimmed through some pages of his script.  
“Feeling cold, Kaz?” He asked.   
Of all days, of all the blasted days for Matt to act completely professional and keep his distance he chose that day? Oh, he hated him!  
“Would you hand me my glasses, please?” Matt asked, Karen looked at him and she didn’t miss the smug smile on his face. He knew…  
Of course he knew, Matt always knew, it was almost scary how well that man knew her…and she wasn’t used to that…she wasn’t used to someone having the key to her thoughts and heart, it would scare the crap out of her, knowing that someone had so much power over her, if it wasn’t Matt…if she didn’t feel, right down to her soul that he would never, ever hurt her.   
She handed him his glasses – and yes, she did know in which pocket he kept them - Matt accepted them with a nod, still without saying another word, without commenting on the fact that she was now playing with the hem of his coat and was sitting on his chair.   
She didn’t talk either, she just looked at him, as he read his lines, his brow furrowed in concentration, and she could almost see the process, the magic that happened when Matt became the Doctor – or any other character he decided to play - and for a moment she didn’t even care that everyone on set saw her staring at Matt.   
She didn’t even care about how silly she looked.   
Matt tilted his head on her side, his glasses perched low on his nose, mirth in his eyes when he said, just after a P.A. came to tell them that the set was ready, “By the way, Kaz…Alex invited us to dinner tonight, her husband is a big fan”  
They got up together, Matt folded the glasses and – as usual – crowded her personal space, while she was still holding the coat.   
“Is it ok for you?” Matt asked.  
Karen nodded, trust Matt to understand her, to get how irrationally jealous she had felt and to reassure her, with just a few words. Trust Matt to look at her, like he was doing now, on set, in front of everyone, and make her forget why she had been even jealous in the first place.   
“I think…” Matt said in a low voice, his eyes boring into hers, “you can leave the coat here, Kaz…”  
He took the coat from her hands, and placed it on a chair, without breaking eye contact and Karen felt almost drunk for a moment, totally oblivious of what was going on around them.  
She didn’t even realize, at first, that Matt had taken her hand, and they were now walking toward their marks holding hands, and she didn’t care when Matt literally made her twirl around, and held her, for a moment, improvising a dance move, and making her laugh.   
“It was cute…” Matt said, his face just millimeters away from hers, right there, in front of everyone.   
“It was stupid…” She said…and she did feel stupid…and in love and happy.  
Matt grinned, still impossibly close, his hands on her waist, holding her, her hand on his chest to balance and she grinned back at him.   
“Ready when you are, guys” The director said.   
Matt took a step back, his eyes never leaving her and Karen took position next to Alex.  
She let Amy wash all over her, but it was hard to stop smiling, especially when Alex leaned toward her and whispered, “You are a lucky girl, Karen…”  
Karen looked at the older woman, and smiled, "I know..." she said and if her voice came out a bit shaky...well, it was because it was the absolute truth: she was indeed very lucky  
~  
They didn’t live together.  
Officially.  
~  
Later Matt would tell, he would swear on a pile of Bibles, that in the end it had been Karen’s idea. Karen would softly smile at her boyfriend’s words, she would nod at the right times, comforted, as always, by the weight of his thigh pressed against hers while they were sitting together  
But the truth was? It had been Matt.   
It started when she found a spare toothbrush in Matt’s bathroom…it was a pink, girlish thing and Karen, holding both teethbrush in her hands - hers, a simple green one - and the one Matt had bought her - burst out laughing.   
“What’s the matter?” Matt had asked, his head peaking in the bathroom, his cheeks stubbled and his glasses perched on his nose.   
He was adorable…and she didn’t have the heart to tell him that a pink toothbrush was cute, but definitely not needed.   
“Nothing…” She had said, still smiling, holding both items in her hands, realizing just in that moment that she was in Matt’s bathroom, wearing pajamas and slippers and was having a silent conversation made of smiles and arched eyebrows with her boyfriend.   
Matt had shaken his head and said, “You’re crazy…coffee is ready by the way”  
And the thing was…Matt used to drink only tea in the morning. He had started buying coffee - and a coffee machine - since she had been …  
…bloody hell, since she had started spending almost all her nights in his apartment!   
It was Matt who made room in his closet for her.  
Official excuse: “So that I don’t trip in that blasted bag on the floor every morning!”  
And then…Karen started to notice things: how while picking groceries, she knew that Matt would just love a particular brand of tea or sandwich, just like she knew she always had to remember to pick a different shampoo for him, since that incident when Matt came to set, one morning, suspiciously smelling of strawberry and Arthur hadn’t stopped snickering every time they were close.   
And then Karen noticed that their scarves and shoes mingled well together, that sometimes she went to bed wearing one of Matt’s shirts and he went to buy milk with one of her scarves wrapped around his neck.  
Their cds, their books and their dvds were next to each other and she had surprised Matt listening to some of her cds, and she was coming around reading one of his poetry books he loved so much, it was on her nightstand now.  
When the producers, her mother and friends start to call her at Matt’s, to be sure to find her, she realized that maybe, somewhere along the line, she had moved into Matt’s apartment…without even noticing.   
“It makes sense” Matt had explained, once the fit of laughter had died down and he was rubbing his side, after her nudge, “We spend so much time together anyway…”  
“Of course after sixteen hours at day spent on set, why wouldn’t we want to live together” She dead-panned.  
“It’s working…” Matt had said simply, looking at her, with so much honesty and openness that Karen’s heart had done a weird dance in her chest…  
She had looked around in the bedroom, their bedroom, and how clear her presence was there, how much their things mingled together: wool and velvet, giant sunglasses and lipsticks, their scripts towering over a chair: his and hers, an old ring her grandmother had given her was on Matt’s nightstand, and Matt’s ipod was on hers.   
It was working. They did fight, because she could be a slob one minute and a moment after some obsessive compulsive raptus struck her, and she ended up cleaning the whole house while Matt looked around in disbelief.   
Matt could sing his heart out one minute and the next be moody and withdrawn, sitting on their couch, reading.   
It was working…because she honestly didn’t remember when was last time she had gone to bed alone…  
And Matt was always the first face she saw when she woke up…  
It was working: bed hair, morning breaths, breakfasts eaten quickly before they were picked up by their driver, each reminding the other to do something, because their life was crazy and mundane things sometimes just didn’t register  
So she let him tell his side of his story, smiling and nodding at the right places, their knees pressed together, her heart racing sometimes, when she could feel Matt’s stare on her… It didn’t really matter, she decided.   
And that pink toothbrush? She still giggled every time she looked at it, although Matt, adorable, hyper, considerate boyfriend, didn’t have a clue as to why. 

~  
When Matt decided to romance her...he knew exactly what to do: candles, music, fine food and wine. 

She was lucky

~

Packing was a weird thing. They had wrapped for the season, partied with the crew and the actors, had a long and interesting talk with the producers about both the future of the Doctor and Amy and how they were going to address the rumors about them.  
Turned out…that they weren’t, not until they kept working together. Yes, it was going to be an interesting sixth season…

Matt had been adamant in keeping their relationship a secret. He loved, adored to tease her in front of cameras, he had no problems with the crew knowing about them, but he absolutely did not want the public to know. 

It had been the reason of their only real fight, shortly after the show had begun to air, and it ended up with her in tears because Matt had raised his voice and in a fit of frustration had exclaimed, “It’s you I want to protect, Kaz!”

“You’re not the Doctor…and I’m not Amy bloody Pond!” She had retorted. 

Matt had run a hand through his hair, taking deep breaths and then in a low voice had said, “I’d scream it from the rooftops, hell…I don’t even try to hide it! But it’s you and your career I’m concerned about…criticisms about me?” He had shrugged, “But using our relationship to hit you, because of their immaturity? No! You’re too good, you don’t deserve it”  
The vehemence in Matt’s words, the way he had taken her hands in his when he had sat next to her had shut her up.  
Matt telling her he loved her, a moment later, for the first time, had floored her…

So, the public would not know, and Karen was okay with that, for the moment. It was fun sometimes, to play that kind of game, to engage in staring contests with Matt, while they were on events, to make him blush when their bodies brushed a bit too close for simple friends.

But they both loved their jobs, they loved their roles on WHO and they loved the chances they got.   
She was proud of Matt, proud of the kind of role he had chosen to play during hiatus, even if it meant they wouldn’t spend a lot of time together…  
Even if looking around seeing their suitcases already packed, made her uneasy for a moment. 

She smiled when she heard Matt, he was in the kitchen – he had hushed her away with a curt, “Go away…genius at work!”, he was singing, and she would have to act surprised when he’d call her in the kitchen to show her the dinner he had prepared for them both. 

You are an actor, Gillan…you can do that!

Not surprisingly, it was raining outside, a real storm and Karen hugged her arms over her chest, looking at herself in the mirror.   
Matt had asked to put on her best dress, just before disappearing into the kitchen. 

They couldn’t do grand gestures, they didn’t have the time: work consumed every waking hour, and yet she had never felt more loved, more cherished…it was the way Matt made her laugh, even when everything around her seemed too crazy and unreal, it was how he knew instinctively when to leave her alone and when not to. It was the way his eyes lingered over her body, while she was getting ready before they went out, and how those looks made her feel proud and so damn lucky. 

She had obliged Matt – and she remembered telling him, beyond the closed door, “Then you’ll better be very presentable, Smith…do you hear me?”

Matt had opened the door, still wearing his jeans and shirt, his hair slicked back and a hint of flour on his cheeks and nose, “When I am not?”

“Chronological or Alphabetical, luv?” Karen had replied. 

Matt had laughed, and then had said, “You just don’t get my sense of style!” 

He had taken her by her shoulders, silencing her protests with a quick kiss on the lips and then turned her, pointing with a long finger toward the bedroom, “now go…”

“Ok, I’m going…but just a warning: I will burn the red scarf if I see it on you!”

She had been laughing while she rummaged through her clothes, making a mess of the so carefully done suitcase, but in the end she had found the perfect dress…one she was sure Matt would love.   
Almost as if he had heard her thoughts, Matt called, 

And of course…it was them: Matt and Kaz, on a date…  
Could things go smoothly?

She heard the crash in the kitchen just when the lights went out and a lightening struck, making her jump. 

“Matt? Is everything ok?” She asked.

Another crash was the answer and then a curt, “Just bloody fantastic, Kaz…”

Karen sighed, searching for the flashlight that Matt – who had probably been a boyscout in a previous life – always kept in a drawer of his nightstand and made her way to the kitchen. 

Another crash was the answer and then a curt, “Just bloody fantastic, Kaz…”

Karen sighed, searching for the flashlight that Matt – who had probably been a boyscout in a previous life – always kept in a drawer of his nightstand and made her way to the kitchen. 

 

Matt, beautiful, dressed in black trousers and a black shirt was leaning against the sink, while on the floor lied their dinner...a lasagna!

Matt had cooked a lasagna for them…and she could still the perfectly set up table, with wine chilling in a basket. 

“Oh, Matt..” Karen sighed.

“You look…fantastic!” Matt said and without missing a beat he added, “And I dropped the lasagna when the power went out!”

“You look…presentable” Karen said. 

The dirty look Matt gave her would have made her blush a few months before, it was the kind of look he sometimes gave her on set, when he wanted to embarrass her.   
Too bad she had sort of fallen in love with that look, with the mischief and promises in it. 

“It’s not too late to go outside…” Matt said

Karen shook her head, took the wine from the basket, and gestured Matt to come close, “We, my dear, are going to have our perfect date here, in our house…” she handed the bottle to Matt, and then took the glasses and as he filled she said, “Besides, with our luck with dates, we’d end up in a ditch”

“But the Lasagna…” Matt trailed. 

Karen stood on her tiptoes and softly kissed Matt’s lips, “I’m sure it was perfect…and we’ll clean up later, but now…?”

She touched his glass with hers and said, “Let’s have a toast!”

Matt’s smile was binding, even in the half darkness of the kitchen, “Let’s…” he said, “To our last night here…”  
“To rainy nights and dates, ours.” Karen added.

“To my beautiful Kaz” Matt said, shortening the distance between them, a finger tracing a slow, lingering pattern on her hip.

“To you, Matt…” Karen whispered, not really trusting her voice in that moment. 

They drank their wine, and then Matt set both their glasses on the table, clapped his hands and said, “I’ll go look for a couple of candles…and something…edible…”

He stopped in front of her for a moment, a hand reaching to brush away some locks from her face, a soft kiss on her lips, and then he was a whirl of activity as she tried to follow him and make light for him with the flashlight…and for some reason she couldn’t stop laughing. 

Matt came back holding a few candles which he added to the ones already on the table. They lit the candles together, placing in various points of the kitchen, making their best not to trip over spilled Lasagna – it was useless to try and clean that mess up while during a black out… Matt had reasoned – and then looked at the lit kitchen, satisfied with the results.

“And now…let’s see what we can actually eat…” Matt said.

“Good luck with that” Karen replied. They had emptied the fridge from most of its contents, since they were leaving the flat in the following days.

“Trust me Gillan…” Matt replied, his face buried in the fridge . “With my life…” She said, “with my stomach? I still remember last month’s paella!”

“Ah!” Matt exclaimed, ignoring her teasing and a moment later he showed her a huge tub of ice cream.

“Ice cream?” Karen asked.

“It’s your favorite…” Matt shrugged, “It was the surprise dessert” 

At her surprised face Matt actually pouted, or at least he tried to, the smirk that crept on his lips when he saw the way she was eyeing the tub sort of defeated the purpose.

“our last night here…and we dine with ice cream…” Matt said after a few minuted

“And excellent wine…” Karen added. 

Matt nodded, “By candlelight…” 

Karen looked around, and she could feel Matt’s eyes on her, his warm stare, and even after months together it still had the power to make the breath catch in her throat. 

“It’s perfect…” Karen breathed.

“We’d just need some music….” Matt observed…and Karen had the distinct feeling that maybe he had meant to say something else. 

“Yes, that would be perfect” Karen said, ignoring for a moment the sudden lump in her throat, and how the look in Matt’s eyes was making it impossible to. 

Matt cocked an eyebrow at her and produced his ipod from the pocket of his trousers, he gave her one of the headphones and before she put it on she gestured with a hand and said, “Shall we?”

“What?” Karen asked blinked her eyes in confusion.

“Dance with me?” Matt asked.

I’d walk through the bloody fire for you, you idiot! A voice in the back of Karen’s mind said, but Karen just nodded, she let Matt take her by the hand, tilted her head on a side, when Matt applied the headphone to her ear, his thumbs brushing her cheeks

The song started as Matt’s hand draped around her waist to pull her closer

Here we are  
On earth together  
It's you and I  
God has made us fall in love 

They started moving, in time with the music, his eyes boring into hers, the words flowing into her, making her heart beat faster and faster in her chest.  
All the last months…from their first reading together, to the first time they had kissed, to every day after that

Cause in my mind  
You will stay here always  
In love you and I  
You and I, you and I  
You and I, you and I  
You and I

She closed her eyes, resting her forehead against Matt’s chest, and she could hear how strong his heart was beating, and she couldn’t help the tears that she could feel falling on her cheeks, as Matt held her tighter at him

In my mind  
We can conquer the world  
In love you and I  
You and I, you and I  
You and I...

“Oh God…” she whispered against his chest, “I really love you…”

A kiss on her forehead was the only answer Matt gave her, the only one she needed.   
Ice cream, candlelight and the man she loved…she couldn’t have asked for more.

 

Tbc

a/n: the song used is “You and I” by Michael Bublé   
~  
To sum Matt’s thoughts very simply: he was the luckiest man on Earth.   
~  
He loved acting, he loved the process of giving life to a character and if, like in that case, he happened to play someone who had really lived, he did all he could to give an honest performance.  
That didn’t mean it wasn’t tiring, exhausting…and that he did not miss his girlfriend.  
Funny after having spent almost a year, working and living with her 24/7, a couple of weeks apart were driving him mad.   
The cold he had caught was helping matters, either.  
“Really, Kaz…it’s fine” He said, cradling the phone against his ear, while he tried to make his bed something less of a battlefield - script, notes, a couple of books, his laptop - and somewhere he could actually sleep in.   
“Your voice doesn’t sound fine…” Karen replied, “Too much hot sex with whatshisname?”   
Matt laughed at her words, “I’m fine mom” he repeated, “and it’s pretend hot sex”  
He heard Karen’s laughter as he made himself comfortable in his bed. She was right, though, his throat was killing him …and even if it made him feel like a teenager at his first crush…he really missed Karen, he really wished she could be there, with him.   
“Tell me about your day…” He asked, relaxing under the covers, too tired to even try and propose some phone sex - the idea had its merits, but he will never forget how he had actually heard Karen’s blush the first time they had tried to -   
“Nothing…read some scripts, talked to mom, got papped wearing one of your shirts…”  
The fit of cough surprised him and he didn’t know whether to laugh or cough some more when Karen started to talk a mile a minute, apologizing, asking how he was and tell him that she missed him all at the same time.   
“I didn’t even think about it, I swear! It was just there and I wore it!” Karen said.  
“My shirt…” Matt said eventually, after having drunk some water, “among the millions of shirts you own, my shirt just happened to be there”  
“You left it in my flat the day you left for Belfast” She said and she could almost hear her pout.  
He sighed, what was worst? He could see Karen, glorious Karen, her hair loose on her shoulders, her eyes bright -because it had been an implicit thing between them that she would not drive him to the Airport - wearing that shirt…and only that, sipping coffee on her couch as he looked around, trying to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.  
He saw Karen, cross legged on the couch, the sleeves of the shirt too long for her arms, beautiful and his  
“Well,” He yawned, and he felt the slight fever he had been running all days catching up with him, “I’ve always thought that shirt looked better on you anyway”  
“So you’re not mad?” Karen asked.  
” ‘m too tired to be mad” He mumbled.   
“This is my cue to bid you a good night then?” Karen asked, a hint of amusement in her voice.  
“Bright girl..” Matt mumbled, “my Karen…”  
“Good night, Matt…” Karen said softly.  
“Good night, my love…”  
~  
It had been the fever and hearing her boyfriend mumbling words of love in that sleepy, husky voice of his.  
That was her excuse.   
Oh, who was she kidding? She did it because she missed him!   
~  
If she lived 100 years, Karen would never, ever forget Matt’s face the night he got into his hotel room, pale, his nose red with the cold he still had and found her there, on his bed, wearing his favorite shirt…  
…and just that.  
“What…in the…” He said, his voice lightly hoarse and so very, very sexy.   
Karen moved on the bed, resting her head on her palm, aware of the partially unopened shirt revealed of her cleavage.  
“Surprise” She said, trying for sultry, sexy and femme fatale.  
In short, she sucked!  
She let out a chuckle and said, “Come here, Smith, I missed you”  
Matt, though, was blinking, almost as if he couldn’t believe his eyes, while a soft smile was playing on his lips.   
Oh, God, I really love this man Karen thought as she shook her head and got up from the bed, tripping on a pair of shoes Matt must have left there, blushing and smiling as Matt took a step toward her, ready to catch her.   
“You’re here…” Matt said.  
Karen nodded, her hands trailing up his sides, thinking that right in that moment, Matt Smith was definitely wearing too many clothes.   
“You really are here…” Matt said.  
She pecked his lips, once, twice, and God…he tasted like candy and coffee and Matt…and she had gone in withdrawal…  
“And look, all this brain too…” She whispered.  
“I…” Matt said.  
“Shut your face, Smith…” Karen said, grinning.  
She got it, she really did…she could feel his heartbeat strong under her palms, the way his long fingers were curling now around her waist to make sure she was real, that he wasn’t dreaming…  
No, they were not codependent.   
They could spend two weeks, three days, eight hours and forty five minutes apart..  
That didn’t mean they had to like it.   
Somehow, Karen wasn’t sure how or when, she had wrapped her legs around Matt’s waist and his hands were now running through her naked back, while he sucked on her earlobe, and every question could wait…  
Matt stumbled, his hands holding her tight at him, scattering smiles and kisses on her face, her nose, her forehead, and she let out a gasp when they landed on his bed.   
“When did you arrive?” Matt asked, between kisses.  
“This afternoon, I talked to your sister…” She replied, kissing back, trying to reach with her lips and tongue for more skin, more of that taste she had missed so much. “she said you sounded tired”   
She didn’t mention that Matt’s sister, had fondly teased her and had ended their phone conversation - during which she had give each and every information she would need to reach Matt’s location - with a, “Go get him, Kazza!”  
“You talked to my sister…” Matt said, he was balancing on his elbows now, his eyes wide in disbelief.  
“And I just killed the mood, didn’t I?” She sighed. “No talks of siblings while in bed.”  
Matt shook his head no, “Yes…no…but…why?”  
Karen sighed, stretching languidly her arms over her head, “If people saw you now…”  
Matt tickled her, and she was vaguely aware of being basically naked in his arms, while Matt was still dressed, and there was something really, really wrong with that picture.   
Matt tilted his head on a side, smiling, tenderly brushing some locks away from her face.  
Usually…usually they laughed, even the sex between them was full of joy, smiles and teasing…  
Usually Matt would answer with some witty comeback at her words, they would banter, even as she helped him out of his clothes and the fire, the passion between them became something almost tangible.   
Not in that moment, though…maybe it was because they both felt the need to feel each other’s body close, or maybe it was the chaos of that hotel suite, so different of their flat, with their things quietly mingling together.  
Or maybe it was because Matt’s hair was too soft, his skin too hot, his eyes too filled with passion and love, but she couldn’t say a word, and neither could he.   
I missed you Matt’s lips whispered, trailing down her neck, the tip of his tongue teasing the silky skin between her breasts.  
I love you Karen’s body replied, legs circling Matt’s waist, back arching, ready to envelope him in her.  
They smiled, almost shyly, like the first time they made love, when Matt entered her, and Karen let out a soft sigh.   
She didn’t close her eyes, she loved seeing passion color Matt’s eyes, his cheeks becoming flush, she loved how possessive he became, holding her tight..  
She knew they would talk, later, talk a mile a minute, about everything and anything, one of their crazy conversations that had normal people shake their heads and mumble under their breaths, “Just get a blasted room, already!”  
She knew they would eat in bed, because they were both slobs and they would fight for the remote, or would discuss about Matt’s movie, about his fears - because even Matt, incredible, amazing actor that he was, sometimes got scared of the craft- they would plan their travel to the States…  
But Karen also knew that Matt would not ask her why she had come, why she had left London in a hurry, cancelling appointments, fighting with people, to go to Matt.   
He wouldn’t ask, he would just hold her, his arm draped around her waist, his chin nested against her hair as they would drift to sleep together.   
He wouldn’t need to.   
Later, much later, while sun was like a warm, soft blanket, enveloping her she did hear Matt’s voice, the only other sound in the room was his heartbeat she had been listening to  
“I really love you, Karen…”  
Maybe Matt had been thinking she was already asleep, his voice had been but a whisper, and had it been any other day she would have, maybe, pretended to be asleep.   
Her hand rested for a moment on Matt’s chest, her fingertips brushing his skin.   
“I love you too” She whispered.  
She closed her eyes, a soft smile that she was sure, was mirroring on Matt’s lips. 

~  
Matt always said he was not a romantic, that he was not one for grand gestures…  
Liar.   
Karen knew better   
~  
It started with a note on Matt’s pillow. No, that wasn’t entirely correct…it started with a new alarm, a song, it crept into Karen’s deep sleep, pulling her out, and she couldn’t help chuckling.   
It was Matt, singing.  
It was Matt singing a few verses  
Wise Men say  
only fools rush in  
but I can’t help   
falling in love with you  
and then, with his goofiest voice telling her to get up.  
“And Kazza? Good morning!”  
Karen had been wide awake now, replying the alarm…shaking her head in amusement, until she noticed the post it on Matt’s pillow.  
“Unlike a certain firecracker red head, I had to be on set early. Coffee is ready, waiting for you in the kitchen…can’t you smell it? PS: we have confidential on set. “  
Karen yawned, keeping the note in her hand, she could indeed smell coffee, but alas it had to wait, she had to make herself presentable, since the driver would pick her up in less than a hour.  
When she entered the bathroom she had two surprises - three if she considered it wasn’t the usual battlefield Matt left after getting ready in the morning - there was a soft smell in the air, like a mixture of coconut and lemon, and she vaguely recalled having commented about that essence to Matt, once, in London.   
The second surprise was the little square wooden box in the sink, there was a post it on it a tardis blue one, and in Matt’s writing, “Open me, after you get ready”   
“Okay…officially weird” Karen said to no one in the room. She shook her head, beginning her morning rituals, which consisted in making her presentable, and not having the make up girls on set wanting to kill her on sight.  
She had just buttoned her shirt, when she finally looked again at the box.  
It was a small box, and once she peeled the post it away from the lid, she even recognized it: she had seen that box, in a little store while they were shooting “Vampires of Venice”, the previous year. Matt had been with her, while she did her window shopping, at the time they had been something more than friends, but the details of what they were exactly, were still very hazy.  
I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not…  
She chanted to herself, as she slowly opened the box, and the tears came, when she recognized one of the objects in it, it was a simple bottle cap…of the wine they had popped in the car, during their first aborted date because of a flat tire and the rain. They had drunk all the wine, giggling and imagining the headlines if they’d be ever found out drunk in the car, in various state of undressing - and Karen had pointed out that they still hadn’t even kissed, Matt had looked at her, a challenge in his eyes, before kissing her.  
“Oh, God…” she whispered and then smiled, wiping away tears from her eyes when she noticed the other object, it was a silver bracelet, like the one she had seen on a stand in Belfast, the day after she had surprised him and they had had a few hours to spend together, walking and enjoying the views.  
No, it was exactly the same bracelet, it even had the same intricate pattern that made it seem like a series of sideways eight, the sign of infinite.  
She let out a sigh “Wow…” she breathed, as she took the object in her hand.  
What the hell was going on?  
There was coffee ready to be made in the kitchen, a single red rose, another post it from Matt, with just some random words, quotes from a song  
“And sail us to the moon  
Sail us to the moon  
Sail us to the moon  
Sail us to the moon”  
Ok, there was definitely something weird going on, Karen decided, and …damn! The coffee was perfect and there was even a new scarf, a giant, white, fluffy thing waiting for her next to her coat as she went out.  
Matt…was a considerate boyfriend, he made her happy, she honestly didn’t remember ever been so happy in her life, but…he usually wasn’t like that. Not that she complained, she was just curious.  
And excited…  
And even if she’d see Matt in less than a hour, for a moment she missed him so much that it was like a physical ache.  
Yes, she had it bad, really bad for her costar…but then again, what else was new?  
She resisted the temptation to text him, they were professionals, Matt was probably shooting, and they had some rules, some code of ethics …or, as they had once said, in unison, in bed, after discussing the issue, “Let’s not make fools out of ourselves”  
Karen smiled at the driver and sat in the car, sticking her hands in her coat’s pocket, touching something…a slip of paper.  
Her heart sped up…it could be anything, it could be a receipt she had forgotten, a parking ticket, except that she knew it wasn’t.  
The slip of paper was pale green, Karen opened it, without even realizing she was holding her breath  
“You taught me to laugh…and I learned how to make you laugh, and guess what? I love the sound of your laughter”  
She let out a watery sigh, clutching the slip of paper in her hand.  
Her heart was racing…and she still hadn’t seen Matt.  
Damn, that was going to be a long day  
~  
“I love that my socks are next to your bras in the laundry room”  
It was a note that she found in the parka she wore while waiting to shoot. The note was on a bright yellow slip of paper, and she couldn’t help a snort.  
Matt had welcomed her the usual way: a brush of their shoulders, his hand on the small of her back, a cup of coffee ready for her.  
They were shooting dialogue scenes. She loved acting with Matt, when she was in Amy’s head, when she tried and became the girl who waited, sometimes she really saw Matt as the Doctor, not as her boyfriend, not as the crazy, flamboyant, incredibly smart man she knew.  
“And…cut” The director said. Karen sighed, wishing the words to just stay in her mind, in the right order…was it too much to ask for?  
She went to a side of the set, to her chair, and noticed the folded paper in the pocket at its side.  
“You read what I write…and you like it, and I like the way you read it aloud…  
ps: I’d be honored to do the Scottish Play with you, one day”  
She was on the verge of tears, for a million reasons…for the notes, for the script and its words that just didn’t want to stay in her head and for Matt, who was talking to some crew member, without getting near her, even though she could feel his eyes on her.   
Almost as if he had heard her thoughts - which, at that point, wouldn’t really surprise Karen, Matt got close to her, he sat next to her on his chair - technically she was sitting on his, but they had long ago stopped minding about those things - he looked at her and said, “You were doing very good”  
“I was sucking” Karen mumbled.   
Matt shook his head, “Nonsense” he handed her the sides and said, “Want to go through the last pages together one more time?”  
Karen nodded. People…not even their closest friends, couldn’t understand what that show had done to them, how it had bound them…regardless of the fact that they had fallen in love with each other.   
The first scene together, feeling the magic happens, the characters come to life, was something she wouldn’t be able to explain to anyone…except to Matt, but she was lucky, he had been there, with her.   
“The only time I found you more sexy than all covered in red slime, with your nightie attached to your body, was when you were wearing my team shirt and watched the game with me”

It was written in pencil, on the first page of her sides, she looked at Matt blinking her eyes. He was wearing his glasses, acting like the perfect platonic co-star any actress could ever hope to have, he also sort of remind her of a professor, with those glasses perched on the tip of his nose, as he listened to her, and her mind definitely didn’t need those kind of fantasies. Not on set, at least.

Almost on cue, Arthur passed in front of them and she heard him muttering under his breath, “Oh, for God’s sake, you have trailers…use them!”

Karen blushed, and her blush became even more pronounced when she noticed the other note at the end of the page

“I love the way you blush, how you cover your face…you are always real, K.”

Matt was looking at her as if he didn’t have a clue about what was going on and Karen took a big breath and said her lines, focusing on them, focusing on Amy and the Doctor and Rory, and yet, on each page there were some notes written in Matt’s scribble, she couldn’t help laughing out loud, ignoring the glares she got when she read 

“You are the only human being who could ever, ever, convince me to listen to a whole ‘Spice Girl’ cd. But you love Led Zeppelin’s The Rain Song…so”

The director called them back, and Karen didn’t miss the smile Matt gave her as he put his glasses in his coat, and the last thing she read before the director called the shot was a scribbled note, on the last page of her sides  
“I love that you keep a copy of my optical prescription in your purse…and that I know just what kind of feminine product (shan’t enter into detail, my love), you use”

She wouldn’t survive that day, she decided. Matt Smith had decided to kill her. 

~

He did not kill her, though. For hours she found notes, little gifts in her trailer that had apparently no meaning, she had laughed until tears had streamed down her face when she had found a lasagna magnet on her fridge, and a written note

“You cleaned up my mess…while I was sleeping, did I ever thank you for that?”

She wanted to talk to Matt…heck, she wanted to go to Matt’s trailer, close the door, barricade themselves into that blasted thing, and have her way with him, but they still had a couple of scenes to shoot.

Actually she had wrapped for the day, she was waiting for Matt to finish his scenes and she was just wandering around in her trailer, finding new notes – she hadn’t counted them, but she was reasonably sure there were a lot of them, she was keeping them all in her notepad and she felt lightheaded…

What was going on? She was trying to think about what could have prompted all of that from Matt…except…that, well, her boyfriend was kind of crazy…so she had learned to expect the unexpected. 

But this? It felt surreal, it felt amazing…it made her want to just run into Matt’s arms and tell him how much she loved him. 

The surrealistic feeling went up various notches when she heard knocking at the door of her trailer and when she opened no one was there…nothing, except a large, white, box. 

She looked at the box, and of course no one was around to tell her who had left the box. She opened it, finding – surprise, surprise – a slip of paper, she quickly read the words, smiling at them, while her eyes filled with tears…trust Matt Smith to make her an emotional mess in one day, she then lifted the thin foil revealing a dress. 

She sighed and shook her head, taking her cellphone, ignoring all their self imposed rules. Not surprisingly Matt answered after just one ring.

“Hey…” He said.

“Bad time?” She asked, starting to pace her trailer, looking at the dress, realizing she felt like she had drunk too much…while she was, in reality, completely sober. 

“No, they’re adjusting the lights, just one more scene and I’m done for the day” He said, and to someone who didn’t know Matt as well as she did, he sounded calm, no hint of excitement of expectancy

“Ok…” Karen said, her voice somehow caught in her throat, “I’ll be waiting on stage two, like you asked…but Matt?”

His laughter interrupted her, “I’ve got to go…and I’ll tell you anything you want to ask, Kaz”

“Matt?” She said, stopping him, before he could hung up.

“Yeah?” He said.

“Uh…nothing…” She trailed, chickening out at the last moment.

“Me too, Kaz…” He said hanging up, and she could basically see the smile on his face.

~

So her boyfriend was resourceful, he had a plan, one that apparently had taken a lot of work and effort and Karen wasn’t going to ruin it for him. She wore the dress, the one Matt had chosen and not surprisingly it fit perfectly.

No one noticed her walking toward stage two, they had wrapped for the night and Karen felt giddy with anticipation, it was almost like being a teenager again and doing something forbidden but so fun. 

And her geeky, smart, incredible boyfriend was the master plan behind …whatever was going to happen.

She stopped in front of the door, it wasn’t really closed, but still Karen paused, her heart beating fast in her chest, but most of all she wanted to see Matt…all those notes, the little gifts, things that had popped up throughout the day, had just driven home how much Matt had become part of her life.

She entered the soundstage, it was dark all around her, she took some steps but Matt’s voice, soft stopped her. 

“Please, stay here for a moment while I …” He trailed, she heard him cussing while doing something with the lights, but she complied, and didn’t even flinch when the soundstage …the Tardis set was lit again, its lighting softer than usual. 

“Bloody lights…” Matt mumbled, and now she could see him, he had changed out of his doctor costume, he was wearing black trousers and a white shirt, his hair slicked back, he looked …amazing, and anxious as much as she was feeling.   
He pressed a button and the air was filled with some music, she recognized it, they were playing it on the radio, the night of their first date…she recalled the rain tickling outside the windows, Matt’s coat covering her, his arms circling her waist as they kissed, and Sting and his voice made it all even more perfect.

“You might have wondered whatever possessed me today” Matt said, moving a step toward her.   
She nodded, noticing how Matt was now circling her, and closed her eyes when she felt his hands on her shoulders helping her out of her coat, revealing the simple black dress she was wearing.  
The same one she had been wearing on their first date 

“I’ve seen you wear…pretty much everything, I’ve even seen you in a wedding dress…” He said, his voice hot, a caress against her neck, before he kissed her earlobe, “but that night? You took my breath away”

Karen opened her eyes, “Matt…” she said, “what…”

Matt silenced her with a kiss, it was chaste, his hands holding her face, brushing her cheeks with his thumbs. 

“It’s not my birthday…” She whispered, feeling breathless, as Matt’s hands trailed down, caressing her naked arms and then her sides.

They were swaying with the music, Sting’s words filling the air and Karen couldn’t believe they were really on set, in the Tardis, almost dancing to Sting’s “My one and only love”

You fill my eager heart with  
Such desire  
Every kiss you give  
Sets my soul on fire  
I give myself in sweet surrender  
My one and only love

“I know” Matt said, he pulled her at him, and Karen realized that Matt hadn’t really touched her all day; even the scenes they’d had had together, hadn’t required for them to touch…and yet, he had been in her every thought…even more than usual

“It’s not our anniversary either…” Karen said, circling Matt’s neck with her arms, as another song played, and later she would probably ask Matt what he had promised the producers to give him free reign on their most important set…  
…possibly their first born.

And it didn’t surprise Karen in the least, when the idea of having a child with Matt didn’t scare her 

“I’m aware of that…” Matt said, he took a deep breath and a step back. She saw him swallowing, suddenly nervous with something.  
“I remember when you entered the room for the reading…you were beautiful and so full of talent…  
I remember our first day here, do you?”

Karen nodded and let out a chuckle, “I was scared to death” 

Matt smiled, “I was scared as well…but …we made it…”

Karen nodded and Matt continued, “I talked myself into ignoring how hot I thought you were…”

“A complete success, I see” Karen said, giving Matt’s hand a light squeeze.

“Apparently…I didn’t stand a chance” Matt replied.   
It was easy, easy bantering with Matt…it was them.

“And then I did realize two things” Matt said, his voice was full of emotion now.   
He was looking at her and she was transfixed. If Matt Smith asked, that very moment, to walk through the fire for him, she would.   
She would do anything for him.

“The first thing…is that I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling or being happy since I met you, even when all my shirts turn out pink or green after it’s your turn with the laundry…or when you laugh of my fear of spiders”

“It’s just insects!” Karen said, but she was smiling.

“Shut up, they’re not!” Matt interjected but he was smiling as well.

“Why….all of this…?” Karen asked gesturing around with her eyes. 

Matt run a hand through his hair, suddenly shy, he brushed the top of her head with a kiss and said, “Because today…last year, I realized I had fallen in love with you…and I wanted you to know why…and because…”

Oh, my God…

Karen thought as Matt slowly got on one knee

This can’t be really happening

Matt’s hands were holding hers, “I want this…for us, forever…”

Forever…my God…yes…yes!

Matt’s eyes were bright and his smile actually made Karen’s heart ache. 

Everything that happened that day: the notes, the gifts…365 little tokens…their life, their beginning…their love.

“Will you marry me?” He finally asked, his voice thick with emotion.

Karen’s knees gave out, she found herself on the floor, with Matt, both of them chuckling, both of them with tears streaming down their faces…both of them in love, deliriously happy.

And Karen did what she had wished to do all day long, she kissed Matt, long, slow, her fingers scraping the soft skin of his neck, her teeth teasing his lips, moaning as she felt Matt’s fingers running through her hair, the other hand cupping her cheek to better angle the kiss.

Minutes, hours…eternities later – they were in the Tardis after all – they broke apart, both smiling, and Matt looked at her.

She traced the lines of his face, “I fell in love with you during our first day of shooting…I thought you were crazy, clumsy, impossibly talented…”

“I am…” Matt said, smirking.

“But you were also caring, you were there for me…and you have been…every moment, every day…so yes, Matt…yes…I will marry you”

“Seriously?” Matt asked.

And the genuine surprise on his face was so comical that Karen couldn’t help nudging him and snorting, “No, Matt…I’m just about to ravish my costar on set, for the heck of it”

“Ravish?” Matt asked.

Karen nodded, while her fingers started working on his shirt’s button, “And be sure you have a ring hidden somewhere…”

Matt stopped her, holding her wrists, “You won’t be able to wear it for now”

Karen shrugged, “I don’t care…in case you didn’t notice, Smith…all I care about is you”

“So we’re getting married?” Matt asked.

Karen nodded, “After…”

“After?”

“After we make one of your notes reality: making love in the Tardis…I’ll even roleplay if you want”

“No…you’re not Amy,” Matt said, he kissed her tenderly, “You’re Karen…you’re my Kazza…”

 

~  
“Mom?” Matt said over the phone, “I’m engaged”

“Oh, that’s great news, honey…you would never believe what your father did yesterday with that monstrosity he calls a car!”

~

Apparently no one was really surprised when Karen and he got engaged. Not their parents – Matt was reasonably sure Karen’s father had called off a contract with a killer upon hearing the news that he did intend to make a honest woman out of his little girl. 

It hadn’t come as a surprise to their costars or crew members, and their producers had been in the know since the beginning. 

Things hadn’t really changed. 

Well..actually they had: he had bought a ring to Karen…  
And he had found out that Karen was a closet lover of romantic comedies

Some other things really hadn’t changed, though: she was crazy and he was crazy about her.   
~

“Honey? I’m home!” Matt announced entering their flat. They both thought it was the cheesiest thing saying stuff like that, and loved to tease each other with stuff like that.

They were stupid like that, but life was good, they were happy, they were entitled to some stupidity.

He took some steps in the living room, only to find Karen wrapped in his favorite afghan, her knees pressed against her chest, her eyes red rimmed as she was watching something on tv.

He took some other steps, and frowned recognizing the movie Karen was watching.

“Love Actually?” He asked. 

Karen nodded, without looking at him, “shut up, this is my favorite part!” 

Matt took his coat off and rested it on a chair without stopping watching the scene: Keira Knightley had just gotten married with some guy, they were walking down the aisle and the cheese level went up various notches, when “All you need is love” was first sung then played by an impromptu orchestra in the Church.

And Karen was crying. 

He sat next to her and she turned toward him saying, “Wouldn’t it be fantastic if it happened at our wedding?”

“Yes,” Matt said patiently, “but then I would have to kill my best friend who is secretly in love with you”

Karen snorted at his words, “But don’t you see?” she said gesturing at the telly 

Matt shook his head no. “It’s a wedding…” Karen said.

Matt was confused and Karen sensed it, “You know…a real ceremony, she is wearing a wedding dress and everything is perfect…and I bet she also had an engagement ring…and didn’t have to hide things in public!”

Okay, Matt took a deep breath. Karen was being emotional…or maybe it was just stress. They had had paparazzi on set that day, all day, while shooting an emotional scene and for some reason Karen hadn’t taken it well. 

She usually ignored paparazzi, she ignored rumors…but that day, maybe because of the scene they had shot, she had just stopped smiling…he had felt tension in her, while they were shooting their scene, the good bye between the Doctor and Amy…and he had recognized how much the feelings on Amy’s face were actually Karen’s. 

And he had reacted as well…the emotion had been strong, real and unlike other times he hadn’t been able to control it.

He had heard Karen crying over his chest, sobbing, her emotions raw and real, take after take, under a scorching sun and it had taken all his training, especially toward the end, not to react…to remember that they were just actors playing a part….yet he recalled how that night Karen hadn’t let go of his hand, under the table at the restaurant, how she had clung to him in her sleep and how, when he had woken up he had found her already awake, her head nested against his chest, her eyes wide open. 

She had smiled at him, but there had still been a hint of sadness in her eyes, a residual fear from the day before. He remembered kissing her, holding her, in bed, making small talk, making her laugh until that look in her eyes disappeared. 

He had seen her holding a baby, for the first time in her life, just a few months before, and part of him…an ancestral, caveman part of him had felt proud…had wanted just that. 

Character bleed could be a nasty bint…but there was something more. 

“We will have a big wedding” Matt said after a moment, brushing her cheek with his nose first and his lips after.

“Yeah, after I leave the show, after the public accepts the doctor’s new companion, after …” Karen sighed and shook her head.

Keeping their relationship private, almost a secret from the general public was starting to take its toll on Karen, that was the truth. Not that he was happy about it, he didn’t like lying, he didn’t like some of the stupid things they sometimes had to say or do, but he knew it wouldn’t be forever. And it was for Karen…

“Are you having second thoughts?” Matt asked, real concern in his voice.

Karen did a double take, “What?” she said, “Are you crazy?” she showed him her left hand, and Matt smiled when she wriggled her fingers and he saw the solitaire sparkle. 

“And give back this rock I can only wear home? As if!” She kissed him, and snuggled against his chest while she kept watching the movie, they even both laughed at the same parts, but Matt could still feel tension in Karen, so much that by half of the movie, she got up and mumbled something about getting dinner ready, leaving Matt alone on the couch. 

He knew his fiancé – God, it was still so strange to say that word, even to himself! – well enough to know when to leave her alone. Or maybe he was being an idiot and he should go to the kitchen, help her out…or better yet, go to the kitchen, kiss her senseless and then take her out to dinner, and since he was at it, scream from the rooftops that he was the luckiest man on Earth because Karen Sheila Gillan had accepted to become his wife, and she put up with all his craziness and all the craziness imposed by their producers and handlers. 

He got sucked into the movie anyway, he didn’t particularly liked romantic comedies – although according to some of his and Karen’s friends and co workers, they did seem the main characters of one sometimes – but the movie was fun and he was lightly annoyed to have to pause it, when he heard knocking on the door. 

He opened the door and had to cover his mouth from a sudden attack of laughter when he saw Karen, wrapped in one of his coats, wearing one of his most outrageous hats, holding a laptop under her left arm and a bunch of cut out cardboxes in her right hand.

She gestured him to take the laptop, tilted her hand up to silence him before he could say anything – which would have been impossible, since Matt was actually speechless and she showed him the first card

“With any luck by next year I’ll be Mrs. Smith (and yes, luv, in that sense I’m Angelina!)”

Matt chuckled but didn’t say a word, he kept holding the laptop, while Karen showed him another card.. a picture of them taken from some magazine and the big caption, in red marker made by Karen: Mr & Mrs Smith!

She took another card, and Matt read: “but even if it’s not next year…or the year later”

Karen made an exaggerated pout showing that card, and then smiled brightly showing him the following, 

“Let me tell you (without hope or agenda) that I just want to be with you”

She took off the hat, her long hair loose on her shoulders, her eyes bright, she was blushing

Another card: “Now, in secret (have you read the internet, luv)”

She took a step forward, still not entering their flat and showed another card

“Tomorrow…”

She let fall the card and the one next chocked Matt – although he denied it later – attached to the card there was a picture of an old couple, walking hand by hand, looking very much in love.

She let fall the card and showed him the other one,

“Until we’re both old and grey….”

She entered the flat, as Matt took a step back, still holding the laptop and she showed him the second to last card.

“It’s you I want.”

She let the card fall, and the last one read, “You, I love (I’m just an emotional mess sometimes!) 

Matt let out a breath he hadn’t even been aware he had been holding and Karen smiled as she took a step forward, careful not to slip on the cards – which Matt would save, yes he could be an idiot in love at his heart content –   
She unbuttoned his coat, revealing a simple green dress underneath it. “You know?” she eventually said, “There is a reason you’ve been holding this laptop all this time”

“Which would be?” Matt asked, “you don’t want to google ourselves, do you?”

Karen shook her head no and said, “I was all…blasé when you proposed, all calm…”

“Actually I remember you falling atop of me on set” Matt said.

“Shut up, it was just a smooth move to seduce you!” Karen replied, “but do you want to know what my first reaction to your proposal has been?”

Karen took the laptop from his hands and Matt mumbled, “I’m almost afraid to know”

Karen rolled her eyes at him, as she typed something on the keyboard and then turned it toward Matt, saying, “Press play”

Matt recognized right away the scene, remembering they had talked about that show between takes, in the first days of shooting, while they were getting to know each other, and every day they found out they had more and more things in common.

It was the proposal scene from The Vicar of Dibley, and Matt laughed, he couldn’t help it, he always did at that scene, and he laughed even more as he tried to imagine Karen having the same reaction, running and screaming…from sheer happiness. 

Karen was laughing alongside with him, resting her head against his shoulder and whispered, “I’d marry you in pajamas…”

“Likewise” Matt said.

“Luv, considering some of your attires? It’d be a step up!”

“Shut up,” Matt said, “I have style!”

Karen nodded, kissed his forearm and said, “Sure you do…you’re the Vincent Van Gogh of style: unappreciated at the moment, one day you’ll be seen as a genius!”

“Ah bloody ah” replied Matt, as they were still seeing the scene, holding the laptop together, his arm circling her waist, and he noticed Karen’s left hand on his chest, just above his heart….

“Tell you what” He said when the video ended, “Why don’t we go eat outside?”

Karen looked at him puzzled, “You and I?” she shrugged, “sure, why not, two buddies grabbing a beer..we can do that”

Matt shook his head no, he pulled her at him, looking at her for a moment, “No…I want to go out on a date with my fiancé….keep the ring on”

“What if they see us?” Karen asked.

Matt sighed dramatically, “Been seen out with a beautiful woman, oh, the hardships a man has to endure…”

“But Matt..” Karen said, half laughing.

Matt kissed her, slowly, savoring the taste of Karen’s lips – with the day they had had on set he had missed her, missed kissing her….

“You and me…Kazza…that’s all that matters, you and me!”

a/n:  
I shamelessly too inspiration from this scene of Love Actually to write this little paragraph  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBmr86X3zMs&feature=related  
As for the video Karen shows Matt …this is it, most hilarious scene *ever*:  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SceGxet8l4A&feature=related

a/n: remember the saying: it gets worse before it gets better? Well…keep it in mind for next chapter:P

 

~  
She sometimes had wanted the whole world to know…she would have wanted people to know about Matt and her…but not like that

The old saying: careful what you wish for, because it might get true was an ugly bitch…and Karen learned it the hard way

~

The night before...when Karen felt like the happiest person on the planet, Matt sung to her…she had come home, a bit late, because stuck on set to dub a few scenes whose sound had mysteriously disintegrated, and of course it had been her scenes. To be fair Matt had volunteered to wait for her, but Karen had sent him home, reminding him that they were out of soapdish and tomato sauce. 

Matt had left shaking his head…but he had been smiling.

She had come back home – their home…and everything in that flat announced that it was theirs…it smelled like home – Matt hadn’t cooked, too tired to even try, they had eaten their take out food on the couch, snuggled up together, her feet under his thighs, Matt handing her the wine , she handing him part of her food…they had discussed about their new flat, the one they were buying in London, and Matt had said he wanted to buy a piano…they had talked about how to put furniture, laughing when Matt had vetoed the idea of moving the couch, the one they were half sprawled on in the new flat. 

“No way!” Matt had said, “this is our couch!” 

“It will still be..just…you know, in London?” Karen had replied. 

“It wouldn’t be the same thing…” Matt had replied. Matt had the occasional bouts of immense romanticism, he was an amazing, considerate boyfriend – fiancé …her mind reminded her - , but he didn’t always talk about things…about feelings, even those he saw as stupid…yet Karen got what Matt had meant…that was their couch, it was the place where they learned their lines, watched the telly, made out like horny teenagers, where they fell asleep on together, like an old married couple. 

“Ok…” She had eventually said, “but I get to choose it…ok?”

How the conversation had shifted from furniture…to Matt singing…to Matt taking his guitar from their bedroom – for some reason it had always made total sense to Karen that Matt would want to keep a guitar in the bedroom – and had ended up singing for her. Really singing, song after song, the ones he had always loved, the ones he knew she loved, a few romantic, sappy ones 

They had gone to bed together, they had been happy.

Later Karen would remember that she had fallen asleep in Matt’s arms, feeling a sudden weight, a vice right around her heart; she would remember how she had burrowed her face in Matt’s chest, and inhaled, taking deep breaths and how Matt’s hand, had reflexively gone to her head, to brush her hair, even if he had been half asleep.

Later, she would remember that they had both woken up way before the alarm went off, it was still dark outside.

They had snuggled under the covers, in the darkness of their bedroom, Karen had heard how fast Matt’s heart had been beating, and there was still that feeling…like a bitter after taste in the back of her throat, a feeling that wouldn’t leave.

She would remember how their kisses had become impatient, frantic almost, how there hadn’t been words, smiles, how there had been just the sudden need to feel each other, because the sense of unreality surrounding them had become too thick, too hard to ignore. 

Matt’s hands had left bruises on her hips as he held her, and her nails had drawn blood on his back, in the darkness of their bedroom, their movements hard, fast, pleasure that had built and exploded, sudden and silent…too silent for that morning. 

She would remember how Matt had held her, after, whispering a soft apology in her hear and how she had rolled her eyes and whispered back, “I wasn’t exactly complaining, you know?”

She would remember how they had taken their time before leaving the bed, how each and every movement had felt too normal and how Karen had felt like crying and had had to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat more than once. She would remember how she had taken off her engagement ring and put it on the silver chain she always wore under her clothes…and how the light weight of it had somehow calmed her down. 

She would remember that they had left their flat together, hand in hand, fingers twined, smiling, even if Karen was jumpy and still felt like crying, even if she hadn’t known why.  
She would remember the first hours on set, how they had parted ways, and as the make up girls were making her presentable, giving her knowing glances while covering a hickey that hadn’t been there the day before, Karen fought again against that sudden lump in her throat, as she recalled suddenly words she had heard once, when she was a kid. 

“Be careful with your happiness..for Gods envy it.”

She clutched her chest, fingering the engagement ring through her clothes, closing her eyes and trying to focus on her job, on Amy…on what she could actually see and touch, instead of those irrational and sudden fears. 

She would remember the scene Matt and she shot together, how easy it had been, how the hours had flown by, and she had almost calmed down…

What she would really remember, what she would make the rest become a blur, was the blood.  
One moment they had been laughing between takes…a moment later the crash came, and Matt …her Matt, idiot, beautiful, clumsy and generous had pushed her away as the beam fell down. 

Then it was…blood…blood was all she saw, all she remembered, all she knew.

~  
Fear, Karen discovered, made blood felt like acid in her veins. It burned and numbed her. Fear, she discovered, was white and made her throat ache.  
One didn’t lose their mind, but sometimes they wished they did when they were so afraid.

~

It all happened literally in a second, one that Karen would never really remember, even later there would be a gap….one filled with screams and Matt’s hands pushing her away and then the fear, the blood.

She didn’t remember how she moved, but she was there, fighting her way in to see Matt. People were trying to hold her back, she didn’t know who, she didn’t care. She could hear in the distance someone screaming orders and just where the fuck was the medic anyway…and was the ambulance on its bloody way already?

She dropped on her knees, although she didn’t even notice, didn’t even feel the floor, didn’t feel the cut on her knees when shreds of glass cut her; everything she was: soul, heart, body was fixed on Matt. 

She couldn’t even move for a moment, she wasn’t even sure she was breathing, she wouldn’t be until she knew that Matt was.   
She only noticed the blood…it was flowering Matt’s white shirt, pooling underneath his head and it was so red, she didn’t think she had ever noticed how red the blood really was. 

Her hand moved, reaching Matt’s…and she let out a breath, even though it might have been a sob she didn’t really know, it didn’t make any difference. Matt’s hand was cold…too cold and it was so wrong…and she clutched it, willing it to become warm again, and she became aware of the tears that were streaming down her face only when she felt Matt’s hand clutching hers back.

“Oh God….” She said, getting closer, her chest almost on the floor, her face mere inches away from Matt, “Matt, can you hear me?”

Matt opened his eyes, but didn’t move, “Kaz” He said…and his voice was too low, too weak, and it hurt her own chest to hear him talk, she sensed how much of an effort he was making to.

“Yeah,” she said, moving so that he could see her, and the smell of blood hit her stomach, it was so thick…and she tried to suppress new tears, because Matt’s blood couldn’t make her cry…because Matt was smiling, weakly, trying to speak…and that had to be a nightmare, she had to wake up soon…and things would be okay.

“Are you…” Matt spoke, slowly, suppressing a cough making a liquid sound when he did, and Karen felt her own stomach clenching in painful knots when she knew…instinctively, that he was trying not to cough up blood. 

Matt…stupid….idiot, beautiful Matt wanted to know if she was okay, and it made perfect sense that she could read it in his eyes so clearly, like he had spoken aloud, like he wasn’t trying not to cough up blood. 

“I’m okay…” She said, she couldn’t help a sob when he nodded and whispered something, she leaned down, toward him, and she felt his warm breath against her cheek, “Guess we broke the set this time…” he said.

Matt was still clutching her hand, hard, and Karen couldn’t move a single muscle, she didn’t even move when the doctor, finally, arrived and knelt next to Matt, trying to push her away.

She wiped away tears from her face, with her free hand as the doctor worked on Matt, and new tears spilled down her cheeks when she saw the blood on her hand. She looked at Matt, he was breathing shallowly, as the doctor immobilized him, he was pale, except for his lips, red with blood. 

Someone was talking to her, but she didn’t understand what they were saying, somebody was trying to make her move, but she couldn’t, not until it was Matt who did…his hand went limp in hers, suddenly…and fear exploded in Karen.

Where the fuck was the ambulance?

~

The only thing Karen recalled of the ride in the ambulance was how pale Matt had looked, even paler than the sheet covering his torso. 

They had let her ride with Matt, she didn’t remember what she had said or done, she just recalled that the paramedics had exchanged a glance and looked at her with pity before agreeing to let her ride with them. 

She didn’t remember what she had said or done, she just knew she had to be there, for when Matt opened his eyes, because he would…there was no way he would not regain consciousness.

Later she was told that she had been hysterical, that people on set had been scared for both of them, but she honestly didn’t remember…wouldn’t remember.   
There were questions in the ambulance, that much she remembered, questions about Matt and she focused on those…because it was things she knew: Matt’s age, past history of diseases, was he currently under any medication? Was he allergic to some drugs? Who was his next of kin?

“I am…” She had replied. “I’m his fiancée” she had talked in a small voice, holding Matt’s hand, never stopping looking at Matt’s face, wishing he would open his eyes, wishing it was just a nightmare. 

Except it wasn’t a nightmare…it was really happening, Karen could feel disconnected from her own body, but she knew it was real. She felt the cold air on her face when they got out of the ambulance, she felt her legs, carrying her one step after another inside the hospital, and she was able to ignore completely the little swarm of photographers already there. Her mind was seeing things clearly…even if they didn’t register. The only thing that was still real, that still mattered was Matt, her fiancée, being brought in emergency surgery, that was real…his blood crusting on her face, and on her fingertips…that was real..

She was lead to a waiting room, too large and empty, with plastic chairs and a clock on the wall. She wasn’t alone in the room for long, although she wasn’t really taking measure of time. The first one to enter the waiting room was, of course, Steve…who had followed them with his car. He talked to her and Karen had to shake her head once and ask him to repeat what he had been saying. Words just didn’t translate, her brain refused them…her brain was elsewhere, her brain was still stuck on Matt, on his face, on his weak smile when she had reassured him she was fine, on his too cold hands.

“I talked to Matt’s parents, they are on their way” Steven said. 

That was like a slap to Karen, it was like being teleported into reality, into the present.   
“Oh, my God…I had …I had to call them…I’m…”

“You need to calm down!” Steve said, taking her by her shoulders and guiding her toward one of the chairs. “Did someone check your knees?”

Karen looked at him, puzzled…what the hell? She shook her head and only then she did look down at her knees, the nylons stockings – Amy’s – she had been wearing were shredded, and she noticed the deep cuts on her knees and how they had bled.

“It’s nothing…” She said, “it doesn’t even hurt”

Steve talked to her slowly, and Karen wanted to say she wasn’t a child, that he had to quit being a condescending git, instead the only thing that came out of her mouth was, “He can’t die…I can’t lose him”

Steve hugged her, and Karen felt reality thinning…because that couldn’t be happening, not really: she couldn’t be in a hospital waiting room, being hugged by her executive producer because something had happened on set and Matt …Matt was hurt.

She closed her eyes letting Steve hold her for a moment, and she felt like screaming, like pushing him away when he didn’t reassure her that things would be fine…when he didn’t promise that Matt would be alright, that it was just a nightmare.

She wanted a director to finally say “Cut!” , she wanted…

She wanted Matt. She just wanted him. 

“Do you want me to call your parents?” Steve asked when he pulled away. Karen shook her head no, and Steve said, “You will have to…the news has broken, they will want to hear from you, to know you’re fine”

She let out a chuckle. She couldn’t help it. She was not fine. Fine was when Matt was joking with her between takes and was wondering whether to go to the movies that night or to listen to that live band they both had been curious about. Fine was Matt in the car, that morning, his eyes so green and soulful, his glasses perched on the tip of his nose as he read his sides, and his thumb drawing small circles in her open palm as she repeated her own lines.

“Kaz…” Steve said, “You need to focus, now…for Matt, ok?” 

She nodded her head. Yes…focus, she could do that, for Matt. She could do anything for Matt. 

“Just…” She said, and she had to clear her throat, “give me a few minutes…”

Steve nodded, and was about to say something when a doctor entered the waiting room, and Karen felt her heart in her throat, literally, it made breathing an effort, but she tried to focus anyway. She followed Steve as he got close to the doctor, and for the second time that day, Karen told to a perfect stranger that she was Matt’s Smith fiancée and his next of kin, that he could talk to her. 

The doctor, a man in his early forties, tall, with dark hair and gentle brown eyes nodded at her words, and explained the situation. The doctors at the emergency room had been able to reduce, somehow, the trauma to Matt’s abdomen but they needed to operate him and do it now.

“The more time we wait, the more we risk losing him” The doctor said, and although his voice was gentle, the look in his eyes sympathetic, Karen felt her knees almost giving out.

That…was really happening. The doctor’s words had torn apart that thin veil of numbness, of hope that things were not as bad as they looked.

It was Steve who asked questions, Steve who asked about what were the chances, after the doctor explained the kind of surgery they would perform on Matt. 

“Mr. Smith is a young man, in excellent health, we have been lucky because his spinal chord and vertebrae were not touched when the beam collapsed, as for the rest…I wish I could tell you more, but it’s impossible until after the surgery. You might want to get comfortable” 

The doctor nodded and then gave Karen some papers and a pen. 

“We need you to sign this” The doctor said. 

Karen nodded, looking at the papers and the pen as she had never seen such objects before in her life. She signed her name, slowly, noticing the black ink flowing on the paper, and she felt guilty…and alone. She felt like reality was too tight and she wanted to escape from it, she wanted…  
She needed to know Matt would be okay. She needed some hope…  
She needed to believe he would be okay. 

She went back to the corner of the waiting room, letting her body deflate, as she sat on the chair, only to get up again one minute later, as she started to pace the room. 

She could feel Steve’s eyes on her, as she measured the room with her steps, over and over, her arms crossed over her chest. The fabric of reality too tight and suffocating. She went back to her chair and accepted the bottled water Steve offered - she hadn’t even noticed he had left – and drank the water as Steve made her sit down.

The worst thing about waiting…besides the wait in itself, was the panic, the sheer panic Karen experienced every time the door opened, or she heard someone approaching the door. 

She called her parents, reassured them, pulled off the performance of a lifetime, because she had never been that far from being fine in her life, and kindly but firmly told her parents not to come, not yet. She would not be able to keep any semblance of balance if they came. 

She heard Steve talk to people on his cellphone, quiet conversations about things that made so little sense to her in that moment, but as much as Steve was being a good friend to her in that moment, he was still their executive producers, and Matt Smith…was the lead actor in what was more than a tv show…it was a franchise, a cultural icon…

Her cellphone didn’t stop ringing, but Karen ignored it and when she couldn’t any more she turned it off. Everyone she cared about knew…and the only person who really mattered to her was in surgery, fighting for his life. 

Adrenaline was starting to recede, and Karen was feeling almost boneless now, after Steve had insisted, she had left the waiting room for a minute or two, in search of a bathroom, to clean up and she had chosen to ignore the reflected image in the mirror. She had scrubbed away the blood, noticing that there was some on her clothes as well, and the dirt; she cried, new hot tears as she washed away the blood…Matt’s from her face and fingers. 

Again, that feeling of detachment, of body and mind acting on autopilot, as she took a deep breath and washed the tears away, and she walked out of the tiny bathroom, one step after another, taking in every detail of her surrounding, feeling like she was going crazy for even caring about the color of the linoleum or how white the walls were. She opened the door of the waiting room and noticed that Steve started, relieved when he realized it was just her. 

She sat next to him, in silence, then she said in a low voice, “What happened? Why…are we here?”

Steve looked at her, confused for a moment, and Karen hissed, “what the fuck happened on set?”

The man shook his head, “I still don’t know...but it looks like it was an accident”

Karen shook her head, running her hands through her hair. She wished she could feel rage, that she could blame something, someone for what had happened…but she didn’t even have the strength to, not in that moment. 

“He saved my life…” Karen whispered closing her eyes for a moment. She didn’t remember the exact moment, but she could still feel Matt’s hands pushing her away, without warning, without making a sound…just acting. Just being Matt.

She opened her eyes and saw Steve looking at her, a sad smile on his lips. “He loves you”

She smiled, funny how her eyes were dry, now…painfully dry, as much as her throat as she said, “I know…and…”

The door opened, again, and Karen bolted from her chair, not bothering to add anything to Steve. What could she say…that she loved Matt? She did, with everything she was…more deeply than she had ever loved anyone else in her whole life.   
Steve probably knew. 

She bolted from her chair and went straight to the woman on the door, Matt’s mother, flinging herself into her arms. And the tears were flowing her eyes now, hot and bitter as she whispered again and again how sorry she was.

“It’s okay, darling…it’s ok…” Matt’s mother reassured her, caressing her hair, hugging her back, “Everything is going to be fine. Matt is going to be fine, I promise”

Maybe it was a lie, maybe it was because it was Matt’s mother who said those words, but Karen believed her, completely, and for the first time since the accident on set, she was able to really breathe. 

For the first time since the ambulance ride, she felt *hope*

~  
The news broke…everybody knew about the accident on set and that Matt Smith had been taken to the hospital…and that his fiancée and co-star Karen Gillan hadn’t left his side since the accident happened.  
Everyone knew…  
Karen burst out of the private waiting room after watching the news and hid in a bathroom stall to cry.   
That was 8 hours after Matt had first entered the hospital…  
~

Matt’s mother was a rock…and she reminded Karen so much of her son, that she couldn’t leave her side. She had the same strength, the same soulful eyes, the same way to reassure her. They had met beforehand, of course: dinners and brunches, and week ends, but in those hours Karen got to really know her, as they were waiting for news from the doctors, as they were waiting for Matt’s sister and his dad to come…and she fell in love with her. 

She couldn’t rationalize how relieved she felt when Matt’s mother assured her over and over that it wasn’t her fault, that no one didn’t even think about blaming her. 

“Matt loves you so much, darling…you know how he is” She had said, holding her hand. 

She was scared, terrified, but she was being strong for her, and Karen had never felt so grateful, so humbled in her life. 

Steve left about a hour after Matt’s mom came, he apologized and promised he would be back, and wanted to be updated, he asked as a friend, but Karen knew that he had to deal with a shit storm, one of epic proportions, and didn’t hold it against him. She let herself be hugged, Steve told her he would send someone from set with a change of clothes and then hugged Matt’s mother before leaving. 

“Matt called me to tell me you had gotten engaged” The woman said after a few minutes of relatively comfortable silence. Karen smiled, despite herself, she wasn’t looking at the woman, her eyes were fixed on the door, her heart beating fast in her chest, yet the smile was there, and it felt weird on her face.

“Yes, he told me…” Karen said. Matt had been alternatively amused and almost disappointed by her mother’s reaction to the news. 

“I’d wager he saw it as anticlimactic” Matt’s mother said. Karen did look at the woman and her breath caught in her throat for a moment…the look in that woman’s eyes, was all Matt: the same intelligence, the same brilliance…the same soulfulness. 

She nodded and said, “He said he was expecting more of a reaction”

The older woman shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips, “I hope you didn’t take offence, Karen…but it didn’t come as a surprise, not since I first saw you two together”

It hurt hearing those words…and Karen didn’t even understand why…it hurt because it was before, before the accident, before Matt’s hand went limp on hers, when she didn’t know just how red Matt’s blood really was and how it was wrong so wrong that it stained his shirt and pooled all around him, and ended up on her cheek when he tried to talk…

“Now listen to me, Karen!” the voice of Matt’s mother was almost harsh, breaking her train of thoughts, bringing her to the present, as painful and heart wrenching as it was. Karen nodded. 

“You need to be strong now, and live here in the present…you need to be very strong for Matt, can you do that?”

Karen nodded, fighting the tears and Matt’s mother brushed her cheek with a hand, “Cry if you must…it doesn’t make you weak…but you need to be strong for Matt, because he’s going to need you when the worst is over”

Matt’s mom seemed so confident, so sure Matt would be okay, that she couldn’t help believing her, again. She cleared her throat and said, “Matt kept saying that you were talking about your husband’s car, he was like, ‘I just told her I’m engaged and she brushed it off!’

Matt’s mom smiled, and let out a little sigh before saying, “When he was a child, Matt once asked me about love, how one knew when he was in love.”

Karen smiled, trying to imagine Matt as a child, all eyes and floppy hair, asking questions about love to his mother. 

“What did you tell him?” Karen asked…and for a moment she missed Matt, so much that she had trouble breathing.

“What every parent has ever said to their child, my dear…what you will probably tell to yours” The woman shrugged and added, “I told him that he would just know, he would just feel it…that someone would be so important to him, so dear to him that it would be like his heart cannot contain it all”

Karen could imagine Matt trying to absorb her mother’s words, his mind probably creating weird scenarios or stories in his mind, while listening to her, and she wanted to know more…she knew so much about Matt: what he loved, what he loathed with a burning passion, what scared him and what excited him. She knew his dreams and his nightmares, she knew how he took his tea and how he took a deep calming breath before exiting their car when they went on set. She knew he was a slob but his cd collection was alphabetized, but she didn’t know the kid he had been…and she wanted to.

Matt’s mother gave her hand a little squeeze and said, “I’ve seen Matt with girls, I have seen him in love…but I’ve never seen him so happy, so whole…” Lynne looked at her, for a moment, “and I’ve never got a phone call in the middle of the night telling me, ‘I think I understand what you meant, mom…I think I really do’ until he met you”

Karen felt breathless, her eyes stinging with tears, her heart threatening to burst in her chest; she had never been so scared in her life…and more determined to fight and hope. 

“I think I really understand that too…” She said with a nasal voice. 

“Somehow I had no doubts about it” The older woman said. She took a look at the clock on the wall and sighed, “And I still haven’t seen your engagement ring”

Karen smiled, through the tears, “Well…almost no one has” she took off the chain she wore around her neck and showed the ring to Matt’s mom who smiled. 

“It suits you…it suits both of you” She said.

She gave the chain back to Karen and she held it in her hands, she was about to wear the chain again, but then shook her head and took the ring, wearing it on her ring finger…where it belonged.

“He did it to protect you, you know?” The other woman said, “You’re young and he wants the best for you”

“He is…” She said simply. Her priorities had changed…all the things that had seemed important, that had made sense until that morning – career, just a few months, attacks to her, rumors and innuendos – seemed so trivial now. What it mattered was Matt…and what she felt, indeed felt like it couldn’t be contained in her heart: fear, hope, regret…and love for her Matt.

~  
The doctor said the operation had be a technical success, but they had to wait at least 24 hours. Matt was still into the woods. And Karen? After crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall, she scrubbed her face clean, picked up her hair and changed into jeans and one of Matt’s jumpers, and she started to wait.   
If Matt was in the woods, Karen was there, with him. She never left the hospital.   
~

She felt his presence, in the dark, her eyes closed, the silence in the waiting room thick and unnerving as she had got accustomed to, but he was there…she felt the warmth of his presence, she recognized the delicate touch of his fingers on her forehead, her lungs filled with his smell.

She never knew if it had been a dream, her mind trying to offer comfort, or if for a moment she had gone crazy. She never told anyone, even later, but the night after the operation, as she dozed off on one of the chairs, Matt was there. With her. For her. 

There weren’t words, just the feeling of warmth, of love…of wholeness that had been her life since she had met Matt Smith and had fallen in love with him.   
There weren’t noises, the silence kept being thick and unnerving…but she felt her heart filling with warmth and when she opened her eyes, jolted awake by nerves, the feeling of someone having been there, with her, didn’t really leave…it just faded a little. 

Matt’s parents and his sister were on the other chairs, huddled up together, a close knit family …and they had made sure she felt part of it, not only because she was engaged to Matt, but because they were amazing people…and in that room, there was only one though, one hope: for Matt to be better. 

The hours passed, with agonizing slowness, a new day was beginning outside, people were going out of their houses and Karen paced the waiting room, slow measured steps, trying not to think…trying to be strong, for Matt, repeating to herself what the doctor had said.

They had been lucky. The beam that had fallen down could have killed Matt on the spot, it could have caused unrepairable damages to his spinal cord and vertebrae. Yes, he had sustained internal damages, his organs had suffered, the blood loss had been a problem, he had a skull fracture, and they would know about its repercussions as soon as he woke up…but…his blood pressure was slowly but steadily going up, his heart was strong, his kidneys were working just fine. 

They had been lucky.

“Then why do I feel like screaming my lungs out?” She had asked Matt’s sister when she had gone and found her in the bathroom, a few hours – eternities – earlier. 

“Because you are human? And you are sort of very much in love with my brother?” Laura said.

Karen loved Laura, she sincerely did. She had been scared of her at the beginning, because of how fiercely protective she was of Matt; she had seen the strong bond between the siblings and she had wanted to be accepted by her…because it was important to Matt, Laura though was amazing…and they had ended up becoming friends. 

“Must be that…” She had said, and the easy way with which Laura made her talk, made her almost feel like her usual self surprised her. She had still been reeling…with shock over the doctor’s words, relief and a million of other feelings …and Laura had been there, a rock for her. 

Matt was their son, their brother…and yet every one of them was trying to offer comfort to her, to be strong for her…and when she told Laura, the woman, shook her head and said, “First of all…we’re scared out of our minds, Kazza, if we take care of you we don’t lose our marbles. Second of all we care about you…you’re grown on us, you know?”

“Gee, thank you…” She had mumbled, glad, more than words could ever convey for the way Laura was treating her, for how she was keeping her sane, in that moment. 

“Third? It’s for Matt…you need to be strong for him, because mark my words: the minute he wakes up? He will ask about you, he will want to see you, and we have to help you…that’s kind of family in a nutshell, Kaz…”

Family…even her WHO family was waiting…Arthur had come visiting, held her for long minutes, speaking nonsense words in her hair that had calmed her down, and she had later found out that it had been him who had put one of Matt’s jumpers in the bag for her that had been delivered to the hospital. The other producers came to the hospital as well, people involved with the show, friends…all made them feel their support and their love.

The hours kept going by, minute after minute, and there were good moments…moments where she was full of hope, where she felt, deep in her heart, that things would be okay, that Matt would be eased sooner than expected by his induced coma, and things would be just fine…and moments where fear gripped her tight, turning her heart into something that burned at the center of her chest and her breath caught in her throat, at the thought of losing Matt. 

She dozed off from time to time, her head against a wall, folding her legs and arms in that uncomfortable plastic chair, but she never felt that presence again, and she always burst her eyes open, afraid something had happened, afraid she had missed something, and every time for a fraction of second, she felt relief thinking it had been just a horrible nightmare, that she was in her bed and Matt was right there with her, snoring softly or awake, watching her sleep – even though he denied ever having done that. – 

When he wakes up…when I see him, I’ll tell him…I’ll tell him how many times I’ve spent hours just watching him sleep…and I’ll get all the teasing he will throw at me, and more.

She said those kind of things to herself over and over, all the things she would do and say…all the moments she would never, ever waste again. 

She prayed, even if she didn’t really know how to, she pleaded and bargained, at one time, she even begged God to take her in case He wanted to take Matt away.   
She felt like going crazy, she felt like crying…she missed Matt…

Lather, rinse, repeat.

~  
36 hours after the operation, the doctors decided to ease Matt from his coma, since the swelling in his brain had absorbed and the exams showed no anomaly.  
Karen felt like breathing, really breathing for the first time in days.   
~

She had refused to go home…she had almost had an argument, she didn’t even remember with whom about it. She would not enter that flat without Matt. That was out of the question, but she had compromised about food. 

“If you pass out when he wakes up because you’ve skipped meals for three days so help me God, I will kick your arse!” Laura had said. 

Any minute was like an eternity now, Karen felt like crawling out of her own skin, as she waited, as she tried to keep her mind blank: without fears or hopes, just the facts…Matt was waking up, Matt was alive, all the updates from the doctors for the past few hours had been positive. 

She tried to keep her mind focused on the things to do…but mostly she just tried to calm the frantic beating of her heart. There was also the problem of photographers and journalists swarming outside the hospital – and some of them inside, although none of them had even got close to their floor – so she was stuck in the waiting room, or in the corridor outside, or in the small room that doctors and nurses, out of pity had lent them that afternoon to rest for a few hours. 

Any minute, now, he was going to wake up and Karen was going to breathe again, for real, she was going to…exist again. 

~  
When asked, later, about the most beautiful moment of Karen’s life, her answer would never change, she would always say, “When Matt opened his eyes…and looked at me, after the accident”  
Even when Matt teased, months later, making a list of things, beautiful and amazing things that had happened, she wouldn’t budge.   
You don’t know…you can’t know what it was like, what it felt like living without you…  
Except that Matt sometimes looked at her as if he knew, as if he felt it, as if during those hours he had been by her side, never leaving her, a warm presence like the one she had felt that first night.   
When Matt opened his eyes, it was indeed the most beautiful moment of Karen’s life.   
~

It really happened in a second. Funny – no, not really actually – how life altering events often took place in the span of a heartbeat.   
Karen didn’t remember the accident, her mind came up with a blank every time she tried to remember…but she would always remember the minute, the second, one of the nurses, barged into the waiting room to tell them Matt was awake. 

She would remember the lights of that afternoon, grayish and leaden, she would remember the smell in the waiting room: closed space, coffee and cupcakes, she would remember the sob coming out from Matt’s mother, the relieved sigh coming from Matt’s father as he held his wife against his chest. She would remember Laura looking around, her eyes wide with wonder, as if she had just woken up from a terrible nightmare, she would remember the nurse: short and blonde, with a long ponytail and blue eyes and a kind smile. 

She would always remember how they had moved, as one, outside the waiting room, cornered the doctor, she would remember the doctor’s voice, not his exact words, because her blood was rushing in her ears, and her heart was beating too fast and her mind was stuck on “Matt is awake, Matt is alive, Matt…Matt…oh, God thank you”

Matt was weak, still not very lucid because of painkillers and the skull fracture. He would have to take it very easy for at least three weeks. Yes, of course they could see him, but just for a few minutes and just one person at a time. 

The doctor smiled, satisfied. He had done a good job, he had saved a life …he had saved them all, and Karen smiled at him.   
Now she would wait her turn…she could wait, she had waited so long…she had waited a lifetime for Matt, she could wait a few more minutes.   
Except, apparently, Matt’s family didn’t think so. 

“Go, my dear…” Matt’s father said. 

“He will be happy to see your face” Matt’s mother added.

“What are you waiting for, a written invitation…go!” Laura said, her words cutting, but she was smiling, and she had tears in her eyes and Karen wished she could do or say something, anything, to show how grateful she was to those people. 

She wished she was strong enough to tell them she could wait, to go ahead, because Matt was their son, their brother…but she wasn’t that strong. She needed to see Matt. 

She would remember each step she took, the noise of her blood ringing in her ears, and the smiles on Matt’s mom face, the tears in Laura’s eyes, the weariness and wonder on Matt’s dad face 

She would remember the room Matt was in: dipped in half darkness, the noises of the machines filling its silence. She would remember the nurse’s hand guiding her toward Matt’s bed, how warm and small it was on the small of her back. 

It took just a second, a heartbeat to take in all the details of Matt’s face when she finally saw him; to drink them in: his too pale skin, the stubble on his face, the bandages she could see on his torso and the ones around his head, the thin tubes all around him and the IV needles on his arms. 

She saw, really saw each and every detail at once and she didn’t think Matt had ever looked as beautiful to her as in that moment.   
Her eyes were dry as she sat on the chair next to his bed, her hand reflexively seeking his…and she had to stifle a sob when she touched him. 

He was *real * , alive and she was touching him. 

Her eyes were dry as she brushed his hand with her fingers and kept looking at him, couldn’t get enough of his face. And maybe she was going completely insane, but for a moment it was like she was looking at him for the very first time, and right there , in that hospital room, while exhausted, strung on adrenaline and too much bad coffee, while wearing one of his jumpers, as she caressed his hand, Karen fell in love with Matt, all over again. 

And again, when Matt’s eyes fluttered open.

“Don’t move your head…” She said softly, and it was so *beautiful* to be able to talk to him. 

It was a miracle. 

Matt groaned when, of course, he did move his head, toward her. Of course, it figured that he would still be bullheaded, and Karen smiled…and her eyes were still dry, and she noticed that Matt’s lips were chapped when he tried to do the same.

“Who….” Matt asked weakly, “are you?”

Her heart skipped a beat, even as it clearly read Matt’s bluff, even if she saw the soft look in his eyes, yet her eyes filled with tears, and she was still smiling when she said, “Hi, I’m Karen…”

Matt closed his eyes for a moment, his hand clutching weakly hers, trying to twine fingers with her. “Karen…” he said slowly.

She nodded, even if he couldn’t see her, and she didn’t even try to wipe away her tears. Matt was holding her hand…or she was holding his…and that was all that mattered. 

“I’m Matt” He said. Karen could see how weak he was, how much of an effort it was taking him to talk, she could also see how beautiful he was: inside out…the most beautiful man she had ever seen. 

Matt smiled and although it took him an effort - Karen could see him trying not to groan in pain– he tilted again his head toward her, and the frown marring his brow when he looked at her was so *Matt* that Karen couldn’t help it, she brought Matt’s hand to her lips, kissing its back, over and over.

Matt smiled and whispered something, Karen leant over him fighting, for a moment, against a déjà vu from that day on set.

“What?” She whispered.

“Will…you marry me? Even if we have just met?” Matt asked. 

Karen looked at him and Matt’s lips quirked as he tried not to smile openly now.   
And she realized what he was doing with those words…with that act: no awkward or painful questions, nothing about the accident. Just him and her.

Even now he was protecting her. 

She nodded her head, using her free hand to wipe away her tears and said, “Yeah, Matt…I will marry you”

Matt nodded, satisfied, and closed his eyes, “Deal…now go and get some rest, Kaz…you look tired” 

When she didn’t move, when she didn’t let go of his hand, still frozen on the spot, still looking at Matt, he said in a sleepy voice, “I’ll be there when you come back”

Karen wanted to talk, wanted him to promise he would, for a moment she wanted to scream at him to never ever think about doing something like that again. Instead she fell, again, for Matt when he talked, and almost as if he had read her thoughts he said, “I promise”

Karen believed him.


End file.
